


Batman is Daddy (he's kinda hot)

by thecryptictaxi



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Jon is annoyed, M/M, Protective Jonathan Crane, Thirsty Edward Nygma, but he's pretty chill with it, eddie thirsts a lot, maybe except for that one natasha romanoff/elsa fic, this ain't his first rodeo, this is the weirdest fic i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:08:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24890578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecryptictaxi/pseuds/thecryptictaxi
Summary: "Ohh my god," Eddie moaned, wrapping his fingers around Batman's left bicep. "So... damn... muscular... daddy..."Batman choked and stepped back, only to bump into a wall."Daddy... come back..."[in which the riddler is thirsty for batman and batman has no idea what to do. everyone else is done with eddie's dumbassery]
Relationships: Jonathan Crane/Edward Nygma
Comments: 8
Kudos: 72





	Batman is Daddy (he's kinda hot)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [We Are Who We Are](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23154325) by [Diddle_Riddle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diddle_Riddle/pseuds/Diddle_Riddle). 



"Where the fuck am I?" Red Robin struggled in his bonds.

Edward grinned at the young vigilante.

"Don't even bother, kid. I made Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, _and_ Catwoman make sure the bonds were secure."

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing, actually," Eddie shrugged. "I just need you so that Batman holds up his end of the bargain."

"What bargain?"

"Oh, to kiss me, of course."

Red Robin's jaw dropped in shock, and Eddie just smiled pleasantly.

Jonathan sighed at the scene in front of him. He had no idea how things escalated this quick. It all started out small, albeit confusing. Exactly one year ago, Jon was sitting on his couch, watching Eddie giggle girlishly at his phone.

"What're you looking at?" Jon asked.

"Batman."

"Oh, okay. Wait. _What_?"

"Batman," Eddie repeated. "He's so well built, isn't he?"

" _What_?"

"His muscles are huge!"

"I— Edward, what—"

"He's _so_ hot."

"Eddie," Jon said, "not to burst your bubble or anything, but we're dating."

"I know, Jon, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate this hunk of a man. I mean, just look at him! Can't believe I never noticed how hot he was before..."

Jon just raised an eyebrow before turning his attention back to the book he was reading earlier. He was slightly disturbed by the fact that Eddie was talking about Batman like that, but he brushed it off as one of Eddie's stranger riddles.

It wasn't a riddle. Eddie was actually thought Batman was hot.

The couple were in the Iceberg Lounge, and Eddie was droning on about Batman to Harley while Ivy judged silently.

"Don't really see the appeal, ta be honest," Harley shrugged. "But he does have nice body. Lotsa muscles."

"Exactly!" Eddie exclaimed. "And under that mask, I'll bet he has a gorgeous face."

Jon choked on his drink. Ivy snorted.

"Too bad we don't know who he is."

"I don't need to know who he is to know that he's absolutely stunning."

"Hey... you've never talked about me this way." Jon was only slightly offended.

"No offense Jon, but you're not exactly built like Batman—"

Now he was offended.

"— but I still love you way more."

Less, now.

"Awww!" Harley squealed. "You two are _adorable_!"

The moment was interrupted by Ivy butting in and saying, "You guys should have a threesome with Batman."

Jon glared murderously at her and quickly declined Eddie's offer.

A few weeks after their chat with Harley and Ivy, Eddie and Jon were together on a couple's mission.

It was late at night, and they had snuck into Wayne Enterprises to snatch up a hard drive.

 _Very, very important_ , was all Eddie had told him.

"Shouldn't be too much further," he said. "It's just down the hallway."

"Here, do you need the— oh shit."

"What? What?"

Jon grabbed Eddie's arm and began to sprint. 

"Batman's here," he said as he dodged a batarang.

"He is?" Eddie's voice sounded almost... _gleeful_?

A dark figure dropped in front of them, blocking their way out.

"You're done here," the deep and familiar voice of Batman boomed. "What were you here for?"

"Answer my riddle and I'll tell you: What goes on four legs at dawn, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?"

"Riddler, I don't have time for this," Batman growled. 

"Answer. It."

"Everyone knows the answer to that one," Batman grumbled. "It's a human. Your riddles are declining. Now, what are you here for?"

A long pause.

"You."

"What?"

"You, Batman, you."

Jon stared in disbelief. Eddie had broken into Wayne Enterprises to meet _Batman_? The longer he thought about it, the more sense it made. They weren't there for a hard drive. There never was a hard drive. He sighed loudly.

"Will you give me a kiss?" Eddie crooned.

Batman balked.

"You're so beautiful... And muscular... Please kiss me..."

Silently, Batman strode over, snapped a pair of handcuffs on Eddie, and turned to grab Jon.

"Kinky..." he heard Eddie say.

"I'm not dealing with this shit," Jon muttered to himself. 

He smashed open a window and jumped out.

"Stop trying to drag me into your schemes to fuck Batman!" he hollered as he fell. He heard laughter from Eddie, and he just groaned.

Eddie was only at Arkham for three days. It turned out that Harley had been sent to Arkham just a few days prior to Eddie's arrest. To no one's surprise, the Joker came along and exploded part of the asylum, and both Harley and Eddie got out safely.

The couple laid under the covers together. Eddie had insisted on being spooned.

"I love you, Jon," Eddie said.

"And you love Batman, too, I'm guessing?" Jon teased.

" _Obviously_ not. I want to fuck him, not love him. There's a difference. Get your facts straight."

"How can I, when I'm so gay?"

Eddie snorted and slapped Jon playfully.

"I heard that there was going to be a diamond heist some time next week," Jon told the brunet. "Harley, Ivy, Selina, and Jervis are all gonna be there."

"Oh really?" Eddie pulled himself free from Jon's arms and turned around to look his boyfriend in the eye. "Where?"

"Shipment. We're intercepting just inside Gotham's borders."

"Sounds fun... can we join?"

Jon pulled Eddie into a kiss.

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a hell yes."

Of course, Batman just _had_ to stop them.

The group had thrown the driver and his passenger out of the truck and start driving away when the stupid bat landed on the roof, along with his sidekicks. Ivy managed to strangle Robin until he passed out and almost did the same to Red Robin, but they were quickly overtaken.

Jervis had already been knocked out, and Ivy was being put in inhibitor cuffs. Harley struggled in the grasp of Red Hood, Eddie was held in place by Red Robin, and Nightwing was putting handcuffs on Jon.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jon saw Eddie knee Red Robin in the crotch. The rest was a blur, and suddenly, Eddie was wrapping himself around Batman. Everyone stopped what they were doing and watched with great interest.

"Ohh my god," Eddie moaned, wrapping his fingers around Batman's left bicep. "So... damn... muscular... daddy..."

Batman choked and stepped back, only to bump into a wall.

"Daddy... come back..."

Jon heard a strange sound come from Nightwing, and Harley was cackling loudly.

"Let's have a quick fuck," Eddie purred. "Come on, I know you want to..."

"No," Batman said loudly, "I don't. And you have a boyfriend, Riddler."

"Oh, he doesn't mind," Eddie brushed in off. "You don't mind, right?"

"Nope," Jon replied. "Go ahead, babe."

In any other circumstance, he would have said yes, but he was taking a great delight in this side of Batman; confused and disturbed.

"Daadddddyyyy—"

During this distraction, Ivy, still in her inhibitor cuffs, had snuck behind Red Hood and knocked him out with some sort of a powdered plant substance. Harley was already out of her handcuffs, and she knocked Red Robin to the ground. Nightwing, noticing what happened, quickly got into a fighting stance, but Jon had no plans to fight. Grabbing Eddie by his collar, he ran as fast as he could along with Harley and Ivy.

Batman and Nightwing were right behind them, but several ducks and turns later, the four rogues were safely hidden in an abandoned warehouse. Harley giggled softly.

"Too bad we had to leave Hatter behind," Harley said. "He'll be pissed."

"Well, we couldn't exactly run with his body, could we?" Ivy patted Harley on the back. "He'll be fine and out of Arkham in no time. Don't worry."

Eddie pouted a bit. "You really couldn't wait just one more minute before escaping? I was _so_ close to getting Batman to say yes."

"Stop lying to yourself," Ivy told him. "He never would have said yes."

"Untrue!"

"Oh, no, it is so very true—"

"Look, guys!" 

The argument was cut short by Harley. She pulled out a huge diamond from out of nowhere and showed it off in the dim light.

"You got a diamond?"

"Yeah, I put it in my pocket when we first got on the truck. Red Hood didn't confiscate it yet."

"Awesome!" Eddie exclaimed.

"Here ya go, Red. You can have it!"

"No, Harley, you took it, you should keep it."

"No, no," Harley shook her head. "It's yours, really! Besides, I couldn't take it home anyway. Mistah J might get mad that I went on a heist without him."

Jon exchanged glances with Ivy. Eddie looked at Harley with a concerned expression as he always did when she talked about Joker.

"Fine," Ivy sighed.

"Can I have some of the money when you sell it?" Eddie asked. "I _did_ help you escape."

"No."

Eddie had another one of his crazy ideas, and Jon had no choice but to help if he didn't want his boyfriend getting thrown into Arkham. With Harley being out of the country, it was unlikely that he would be broken out any time soon.

Now, he was staring regretfully at an unconscious Red Robin, who was bound to a pole. His arms were tied up over his head, his feet were bound together, and he had been stripped of all concealed weapons.

Eddie was fretting, and in the past half an hour, he had insisted on video calling both Harley _and_ Selina to confirm that there was no way anyone could get out of those bonds.

"Hey, Ed," Jon placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It'll be fine. Everything will go according to plan, alright?"

Eddie breathed in deeply and nodded.

"Oh, look, he's waking up!"

"Where the fuck am I?" Red Robin struggled in his bonds.

Eddie grinned at the young vigilante.

"Don't even bother, kid. I made Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, _and_ Catwoman make sure the bonds were secure."

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing, actually," Eddie shrugged. "I just need you so that Batman holds up his end of the bargain."

"What bargain?"

"Oh, to kiss me, of course."

Red Robin's jaw dropped in shock, and Eddie just smiled pleasantly.

"Ah, incoming call," he said brightly.

"Yes, yes, this is Riddler," he answered. "You solved my riddle! Thank god! I was wondering why it was taking so long... yes, he's here, all safe and sound... nope, no other way... you know where to go? great... see you!"

Eddie turned his phone off and shoved a gag into Red Robin's mouth.

"Now, Scarecrow and I are just going to go to the warehouse next door. Be good!"

Batman arrived not long after. He hesitated at the door before striding in.

"Where's Red Robin?"

"Don't worry, he's perfectly fine," Eddie grinned up at the towering figure. "Now, that kiss."

Batman glanced over at Jon, who was watching closely.

"Are you sure—"

"Just kiss me, Daddy."

"But won't your boyfriend—"

"Shut up."

They kissed. 

Batman tried to pull away, but Eddie gripped the back of his head and kept him in place. There were the sound of wet lips, and Jon swore he saw some tongue action. It must have been a full minute when Eddie finally pulled away, beaming.

"Red Robin's in the next warehouse over," was all he said before he grabbed Jon by the arm and left.

Eddie stayed quiet, and Jon wrapped an arm around his waist.

"So what are you doing next?" he said jokingly. "Kidnapping Nightwing so you can fuck the bat?"

"Nah," Eddie replied. "I'm over him. You're a better kisser, anyway."

Jon laughed. "But you spent a year trying to get that kiss."

"Yeah, I guess I did. But it was really more a drunken bet than anything."

"Wait. This was a bet?"

"Mmhmm," Eddie grinned. "Penguin bet me a hundred dollars that I couldn't get Batsy to kiss me. But he _was_ hot, and I _did_ get a little invested."

"But— you spent a year— oh of course you did. Who am I kidding? This is Edward Nygma we're talking about."

"Thanks for putting up with this," Eddie stood on his tip toes for a kiss. "I'll take you out to dinner with that money."

"You'd better make it somewhere expensive," Jon grumbled, faking annoyance.

"Always."

**Author's Note:**

> any and all sorts of canon behavior has been thrown out of the window
> 
> [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/inner-egg-pong)


End file.
